What Control?

What a month it's been. In the same week that Obama won the election we found out that my husband will be losing his job.

I feel a knotting, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think on it for any length of time. I know we're in a better position than plenty of people facing this upheaval but we've also been living paycheck to paycheck for some time now. I worry about how I'll make money to contribute and still care for our young children and care for (or try to at any rate) our home at the same time. I know plenty of women manage to do this all the time. I grew up in a single parent household. I am not unaware of how it can be done. The thing is I hate and am depressed by the idea that I can't give my children what I hoped.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself. My husband has opportunties. I'm hoping that he'll reach out for them and find a position that not only pays the bills but also gives him personal satisfaction and professional growth and stimulation. Fear is a sneaky thing, however, and it keeps slipping up on me even when I'm really trying to stay positive and focused on daily life issues and not think ahead to January.

I tell myself that worrying only wastes my time and energy. I tell myself that even if the worst happens and we lose our money and home that we still both have skills. We will be okay. Our children will not be out on the streets. I tell myself all of this and I know it to be true but I can't shake that fear. I understand that it's the unknown. I hate not knowing what will happen. I've been known to read the last chapter of a book, even romance novels, to make sure I know what happens before I can settle in and enjoy myself. It's weird because I'm not a control freak (really!) in so many other ways. I do like being in control of myself though. In fact I hate being out of control of myself. I have trouble letting go. And that is what this is all about.

I have no control over this layoff. I have no control over the economy. I have no control over the employers in this region. It fills me with anxiety.

And yet I do have faith in my husband's skills, intelligence, and resourcefulness. Sadly I have less faith in my own. I also just feel a deep disappointment that maybe my time home exclusively with the kids is coming to an end and that I never really managed to carve out the time I wanted to work on my novels this winter. Of course this is ridiculous. I can still write even if working and parenting full-time, it's just more challenging. And of course I'll still be the mother I want to be for my children. I'll step up and do what I need to do to make that happen.

It's disappointing when things don't work out the way you envision but there is also opportunity. Maybe this is how we will achieve our dreams. Maybe this puts us on the paths we need to be on. Or maybe it's all just a roll of the dice.

We'll find out.

Oh Yes We Did!

I am so tired. LOL seriously I'm exhausted. The last 20+ months have been exhilarating, worrisome, and an amazing experience. I didn't get to do as much for the Obama campaign as I wanted as our two young children take priority, but I did do all I could and my husband did a ton.

What an amazing experience. I am still sorting through all of my thoughts on it all and want to write about it but until I manage to do that I just want to say how proud I am of everyone who worked their butts off to make this happen. We did it. We. This was not a top down campaign. Things worked from the bottom up as much as from the top down. Chicago coordinated us but many of us, even in the context of working through our local offices, were self-directed. This was especially true in the primary and not as much in the general election.

We now live in a country with millions of new community organizers who are fired up and ready to go. What a beautiful day this is!

A trillion actions pass it on

Hi! We made history. When Barack Obama was elected President today it was because of a trillion small acts from millions of Americans over the past 2 years that has brought us to this moment.

Every little thing we do has an impact be it big or small. Every little thing can matter a great deal. A little push is all it takes to set off a chain of dominos.

Each of you has contributed to this moment in history. We've each given what we could. Please take a moment to reflect and write down some of the things you did that mattered most to you, or write down everything you did. It doesn't matter. Then, pass this on to everyone you know who contributed time, energy, and/or money to this effort so they can be included.

Please cc meltzer7@charter.net . We'd like to see how the list grows.

Jess in MA: Phonebanking, postcard writing/organizing, event hosting, and lots of other stuff.
Jonathan Meltzer (Berlin MA) Standing in the rain with 700 other volunteers listening to Barack speak before heading out to door knock on the first day of canvassing in NH April 2007.... Convincing a woman in Nashua at 5:30 PM primary day who was not going to vote to go to the polls and vote for Barack.... organizing a massive student outreach in MA, VT, NH, NY and RI to get college students from NH to register and vote absentee in NH....
Emma RUddock (mass HQ) - pulling an all nighter at the Mass Headquarters with some amazing people and entering data, my amazing college dems leaders who's enthusiasm is so incredible and inspiring, realizing after the NH primaries that this was not going to be easy but that we were going to do it anyway, succeeding in convincing my parents to let me take the year off from college to work fulltime on the campaign, meeting some of the most incredible people that I have ever gotten to know, voting in my first presidential election