Surrender

I have been knotted up with stress the last few months and my body is telling me it can't take anymore. There's nothing left for me to do but surrender and accept that life will take its course.

My husband's job has been rocky for months. He and his direct bosses don't see eye to eye and they've come out and told him he should look for a new job. He's done some preliminary looking but is caught up with volunteer work that sucks up much of his free time at the moment and until Nov. 5. His income is our only income. We do not have enough left in our savings at this point to get by for more than six or seven months without completely running out of money to pay the bills. And that's if nothing goes wrong with the house.

Obviously I need to find paying work but it's not that simple. I am home taking care of the kids. If I return to work outside the home I need childcare for two children. If I take a job at opposite hours from my husband I need him to commit to being home at very specific hours - not easy right now. I have been looking for work at home but I'm having trouble finding much. Granted I haven't been applying to things every day and my field is a crowded one. I did hear about a position today that I might be able to do but I think I could also easily be in way over my head if it came to fruition. I don't know yet.

But it's not just the money that's winding me up. My daughter has been getting sick and/or screaming nightly for six weeks now. We've got our third doctor's appointment to address this tomorrow. I feel like a failure not knowing what is causing her such discomfort and I feel terrible that my temper is as frayed as it is from all the interrupted sleep and constant stress around the house. (Did I mention she's also in the midst of the terrible twos?)

So what do I do? I figure all I can do at this point is take concrete steps to minimize any money flowing out of our house, something I've been trying to do (with mixed success) for months, be patient with the kids, and keep trying to find paying work that I can do from home. Beyond that I have to surrender.

But how? How do I surrender?

I need to keep doing what I can to make this situation better but the stress is paralyzing and makes me sick. I do make sure I take at least a small step each day to either send off a resume or work on my writing but most days these steps are so small it's hard to believe I'm making any progress forward.

It feels like laziness to surrender. It feels like I'm giving up and saying we have no responsibility. Am I misinterpreting the word?

I do know that frittering away my energy on anxiety is a waste at this point. It only drains me and leaves me unable to enjoy the time with my children the way I should. It leaves me grumpy and tired. It leaves me eating poorly despite the bounty of healthy fruits and vegetables available from our harvests.

Is letting go of all of this possible? Can I surrender to my life and the future? How do people do it?