What Control?

What a month it's been. In the same week that Obama won the election we found out that my husband will be losing his job.

I feel a knotting, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think on it for any length of time. I know we're in a better position than plenty of people facing this upheaval but we've also been living paycheck to paycheck for some time now. I worry about how I'll make money to contribute and still care for our young children and care for (or try to at any rate) our home at the same time. I know plenty of women manage to do this all the time. I grew up in a single parent household. I am not unaware of how it can be done. The thing is I hate and am depressed by the idea that I can't give my children what I hoped.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself. My husband has opportunties. I'm hoping that he'll reach out for them and find a position that not only pays the bills but also gives him personal satisfaction and professional growth and stimulation. Fear is a sneaky thing, however, and it keeps slipping up on me even when I'm really trying to stay positive and focused on daily life issues and not think ahead to January.

I tell myself that worrying only wastes my time and energy. I tell myself that even if the worst happens and we lose our money and home that we still both have skills. We will be okay. Our children will not be out on the streets. I tell myself all of this and I know it to be true but I can't shake that fear. I understand that it's the unknown. I hate not knowing what will happen. I've been known to read the last chapter of a book, even romance novels, to make sure I know what happens before I can settle in and enjoy myself. It's weird because I'm not a control freak (really!) in so many other ways. I do like being in control of myself though. In fact I hate being out of control of myself. I have trouble letting go. And that is what this is all about.

I have no control over this layoff. I have no control over the economy. I have no control over the employers in this region. It fills me with anxiety.

And yet I do have faith in my husband's skills, intelligence, and resourcefulness. Sadly I have less faith in my own. I also just feel a deep disappointment that maybe my time home exclusively with the kids is coming to an end and that I never really managed to carve out the time I wanted to work on my novels this winter. Of course this is ridiculous. I can still write even if working and parenting full-time, it's just more challenging. And of course I'll still be the mother I want to be for my children. I'll step up and do what I need to do to make that happen.

It's disappointing when things don't work out the way you envision but there is also opportunity. Maybe this is how we will achieve our dreams. Maybe this puts us on the paths we need to be on. Or maybe it's all just a roll of the dice.

We'll find out.

Hey Representative Bachmann We Can Love Our Country and Not Our Politicians

I don't watch much tv news anymore but commentors on the blog "The Field" - the place I go to to get much of my political news - were talking about last night's Hardball with Chris Matthews. Representative Bachmann (R-MN) was on spewing smears and sowing the seeds of distrust and hatred. She went as far as saying that liberals are anti-American and that all liberal members of Congress (she included at least one very moderate member in her list) should be investigated for anti-Americanism. This congresswoman had 7 minutes or more on national television to discuss the problems facing all citizens of this nation and not once did she address a single actual issue.

Enough is enough. We need our politicians to help solve our problems and not fan the flames of discord and distrust between Americans. One can disagree with a policy and still love their nation. One can work for changes they believe in and very much love their country. Representative Bachmann was incredibly incindeary and actively smearing the character of her colleages and millions of Americans. Enough! We all love our country. Our Constitution provides room enough for all of us to work together even when we disagree.

Watch the video for yourself and if you're upset by it take action: http://www.censurebachmann.com/

Food and Fear

Okay this is unscientific and to be honest I'm not looking to prove or disprove it but I'm going share my thoughts with you anyway. When we first switched to eating meat from a local farm (butchered locally by a butcher with a reputation as being caring and good to the animals sent to him) I began thinking more about how animals are treated in the industrial farm system and how horrible their end is.

I'm not going to get into the crap they're fed (and us by extension) or descriptions of the horrendous conditions many of them are forced to live and die in. Other people have done it well and in far more depth than I.

We know that cattle and sheep are given sex hormones to boost their weight before slaughter. We know that at least some of those hormones remain in the meat that we consume. But it's other hormones that are on my mind tonight.

When we feel fear our bodies get flooded with hormones (such as adrenalin). Animals go through a similar process. So where does this leave the meat we eat?

I did read a study that states that the stress on herbivores slaughtered in the US for human consumption is minimal enough that we shouldn't be concerned (but forget eating dog meat unless you want to suffer from impotence - http://www.scn.org/~bk269/fear.html). I'm not sure I buy that. I'm grappling with the entire issue.

I'm not prepared to become a vegetarian and to be honest my husband and daughter and to a lesser degree our son all really would not do well on a meat-free diet. So our diet causes pain and suffering in other creatures. I'm not happy about that but I accept that it is a choice my husband and I are making.

The thing I've been wondering is if the fear and stress hormones that flood the animal can alter our own bodies when we consume them. Does eating meat from animals who are treated more ethically and humanely both through their lives and through their deaths make for healthier meat? I don't know. I do know it makes me feel a bit better about what we eat.