Oh Where To Start?

Between computer issues, the holidays and my husband's layoff I haven't had a chance to write. I'm hoping to get more done now that the holidays are over and I have access to a reliable computer.

It's a bit off topic from politics, parenting and local food but I am so overwhelmed by what the layoff means to our family that it colors everything these days. On my good days I'm okay with the uncertainty. On my bad days I want to crawl under a rock. Fortunately for all of us my days have been leaning towards the good or at least neutral after a bad week during the holidays.

I was proud of myself for getting a part-time job but it's turning out that there isn't much work to be had. So I have the job, yes, but I don't actually work at the moment. Ah more uncertainty to add to the pot.

I wish I could say I've totally pulled myself together and am tackling our challenges head-on while still staying true to my principles and ideals but I'm not.

Exhibt A: I haven't managed to do some things I promised I'd do and it weighs on me. I am not one who breaks promises lightly. What I've promised to do is write a feature article for a web-based newspaper. I won't be paid but it will be a current clip. I should be jumping at this. Four months ago I was eagerly looking for this sort of opportunity. Now I just can't get myself moving. I know I can do it but I just can't seem to push past whatever's stopping me. I know some is depression over the fact that I don't see writing as a viable career path these days (four months ago I did). It's ridiculous but there it is. Now this isn't completely a broken promise because I know I'll get off my ass and write the article but I've taken much longer to do it than I should.

Exhibit B: Local/Community sustainability has become a huge issue for me and I've been trying to do my part by working hard to have us eating locally or at least regionally for the most part. Now I'm feeling pressure to cut the food budget as much as possible and that means a lot of drumsticks and pasta for dinner - not exactly an option from the farm (heck chickens this time of year aren't an option). I'm still trying to buy local where I can but Hannaford is getting more and more of our food money these days. I keep telling myself it's temporary and I know I'm doing the best I can but it makes me wonder about my commitment.

You know, I'm actually very grateful (and thanks if you've made it this far through my moaning!). I'm fortunate enough to be able to sit and pour all this out in a blog. How lucky is that?

Guess it's time to get to work ;-).

What Control?

What a month it's been. In the same week that Obama won the election we found out that my husband will be losing his job.

I feel a knotting, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think on it for any length of time. I know we're in a better position than plenty of people facing this upheaval but we've also been living paycheck to paycheck for some time now. I worry about how I'll make money to contribute and still care for our young children and care for (or try to at any rate) our home at the same time. I know plenty of women manage to do this all the time. I grew up in a single parent household. I am not unaware of how it can be done. The thing is I hate and am depressed by the idea that I can't give my children what I hoped.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself. My husband has opportunties. I'm hoping that he'll reach out for them and find a position that not only pays the bills but also gives him personal satisfaction and professional growth and stimulation. Fear is a sneaky thing, however, and it keeps slipping up on me even when I'm really trying to stay positive and focused on daily life issues and not think ahead to January.

I tell myself that worrying only wastes my time and energy. I tell myself that even if the worst happens and we lose our money and home that we still both have skills. We will be okay. Our children will not be out on the streets. I tell myself all of this and I know it to be true but I can't shake that fear. I understand that it's the unknown. I hate not knowing what will happen. I've been known to read the last chapter of a book, even romance novels, to make sure I know what happens before I can settle in and enjoy myself. It's weird because I'm not a control freak (really!) in so many other ways. I do like being in control of myself though. In fact I hate being out of control of myself. I have trouble letting go. And that is what this is all about.

I have no control over this layoff. I have no control over the economy. I have no control over the employers in this region. It fills me with anxiety.

And yet I do have faith in my husband's skills, intelligence, and resourcefulness. Sadly I have less faith in my own. I also just feel a deep disappointment that maybe my time home exclusively with the kids is coming to an end and that I never really managed to carve out the time I wanted to work on my novels this winter. Of course this is ridiculous. I can still write even if working and parenting full-time, it's just more challenging. And of course I'll still be the mother I want to be for my children. I'll step up and do what I need to do to make that happen.

It's disappointing when things don't work out the way you envision but there is also opportunity. Maybe this is how we will achieve our dreams. Maybe this puts us on the paths we need to be on. Or maybe it's all just a roll of the dice.

We'll find out.