My fear of Puking

I've had the fear as long as I can remember - probably stems from my parents giving me ipecec when I was 2. Why this was the recommendation posion control made when they were afraid I'd swallowed kerosene I do not understand - wouldn't it burn the esphogus worse coming back up??? But nevertheless that was what they were told to do and that's what they did and I have never lived a time in my life that I can remember without this fear.



It's severe enough that it's rare for it to not enter my thoughts in some way most days.



I feel a lot better about it knowing how common it actually is but that doesn't help me deal with it better. I will overcome it someday...I hope.

About Those Octuplets

I resisted reading the stories after it came out that Nadya Suleman, the mother of the octuplets who are in the news daily these days, had other children and had used IVF. This was in part because I really hate how sensationalistic the news is (yeah a weird sentiment coming from a former reporter) and I hate how so many important or worthwhile subjects get buried under trite garbage. But more than all that I didn't want to read articles bashing fertility treatments or ones that offered anything less than all the facts about IVF.

It's strange because IVF is one of the things I'm totally open about with friends and strangers alike but it's also a subject that I'm extra sensitive to. Both of my living children were conceived via in-vetro fertilization. I am beyond grateful to the technology and to the people who helped us bring our son and daughter to life.

IVF is not something people undertake lightly. It can't be. It involves weeks of injections. After your body is regulated on a cycle of birth control pills, you first take hormones to put you into a chemical menopause and then you start taking hormones to hype your ovaries up into overdrive. Then you go through the retrieval process where all the eggs that appear ready to go are extracted. After that you wait a few days to see how many played well with the sperm and fertilized and then how many of those are growing. If you're lucky you go back and get one or two placed into your uterus. Then if you're super lucky after a nail biting two weeks you find out that at least one embryo implanted itself in the uterine wall and is growing. Four more weeks will pass (which often include Progesterone injections - so not fun) before you go in and see how the embryo(s) are doing and if there is a heartbeat(s).

Throughout this entire process you are driving to the clinic several times a week, if not daily, to get your blood drawn. One of my worst days during this entire cycle was the day it took 8 tries for the lab techs to get the vial of blood they needed. My arms were black and blue and green and yellow from all the bruising by the time our retrieval day arrived.

I haven't even mentioned all the testing, some of it quite painful, that takes place prior to reaching the decision to do IVF in the first place. For those who don't have a clearcut need to go straight to IVF there may also have been months of trying to concieve via injectable hormones that stimulate the ovaries or insemination.

Nothing about the fertility route to pregnancy is easy or cheap. It costs thousands of dollars for a single IVF cycle (10 to 12 usually).

There is also the fact, usually unspoken, that what is one of the most intimate and loving acts is now a group project between you, your mate (if you have one) and a bunch of strangers. You are exposed not only physically but also emotionally to a fair number of people throughout this process. I always thought of myself as a strong person but I found that notion both challenged and then ultimately reinforced after my experiences with infertility.

Reading the stories about Ms. Suleman has left me disturbed. Nothing in my experience as a fertility patient lets me just believe the story as it's being presented. It just doesn't ring true. It doesn't ring true that any reproductive endocrinologist (an IVF doctor) would put so many embryos back into such a young woman; especially a woman who already has children and who seems pretty upfront about not being willing to abort fetuses. Maybe she lied. It seems like someone is lying. Or maybe in the rush to push a sensational story nobody is taking the time to research fertility treatments well.

Going with the good

It's cold. The weather is wet and icy. A lingering virus has been slowly making its way through the house (I hope it leaves soon). We are a fully unemployed household at the moment with a mortgage and plenty of bills. There is plenty to be anxious and depressed about (which I confess I am) but, BUT there is also spring to consider.

Yes spring.

I've been dreaming lately about crop rotations in the garden and trying different plants out in containors and adding to our baby orchard. Yesterday I decided the hell with it and placed a seed order and joined the Arbor Day Foundation and bought four more fruit trees. You know I am so glad I did. It has perked me up far more than spending money these days should!

Now I am anticipating burgandy beans, carrots in varying hues, watermelons, various tomatoes, snap peas and all sorts of other yummy treats. I'm also dreaming of what our fruit trees will look like in a few years as they have a chance to grow bigger and stronger. Will there be enough apples and cherries for us to have more than a taste? Mmmmm I hope so!

By the time the first fruits show up on the trees we will be past this current uncertainty. I don't know what the future will bring but I do know that these little steps, planting these seeds, are the right thing to do. Though I can't guarentee a bumper crop, they will grow and bloom and so will we.

Oh Where To Start?

Between computer issues, the holidays and my husband's layoff I haven't had a chance to write. I'm hoping to get more done now that the holidays are over and I have access to a reliable computer.

It's a bit off topic from politics, parenting and local food but I am so overwhelmed by what the layoff means to our family that it colors everything these days. On my good days I'm okay with the uncertainty. On my bad days I want to crawl under a rock. Fortunately for all of us my days have been leaning towards the good or at least neutral after a bad week during the holidays.

I was proud of myself for getting a part-time job but it's turning out that there isn't much work to be had. So I have the job, yes, but I don't actually work at the moment. Ah more uncertainty to add to the pot.

I wish I could say I've totally pulled myself together and am tackling our challenges head-on while still staying true to my principles and ideals but I'm not.

Exhibt A: I haven't managed to do some things I promised I'd do and it weighs on me. I am not one who breaks promises lightly. What I've promised to do is write a feature article for a web-based newspaper. I won't be paid but it will be a current clip. I should be jumping at this. Four months ago I was eagerly looking for this sort of opportunity. Now I just can't get myself moving. I know I can do it but I just can't seem to push past whatever's stopping me. I know some is depression over the fact that I don't see writing as a viable career path these days (four months ago I did). It's ridiculous but there it is. Now this isn't completely a broken promise because I know I'll get off my ass and write the article but I've taken much longer to do it than I should.

Exhibit B: Local/Community sustainability has become a huge issue for me and I've been trying to do my part by working hard to have us eating locally or at least regionally for the most part. Now I'm feeling pressure to cut the food budget as much as possible and that means a lot of drumsticks and pasta for dinner - not exactly an option from the farm (heck chickens this time of year aren't an option). I'm still trying to buy local where I can but Hannaford is getting more and more of our food money these days. I keep telling myself it's temporary and I know I'm doing the best I can but it makes me wonder about my commitment.

You know, I'm actually very grateful (and thanks if you've made it this far through my moaning!). I'm fortunate enough to be able to sit and pour all this out in a blog. How lucky is that?

Guess it's time to get to work ;-).

What Control?

What a month it's been. In the same week that Obama won the election we found out that my husband will be losing his job.

I feel a knotting, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think on it for any length of time. I know we're in a better position than plenty of people facing this upheaval but we've also been living paycheck to paycheck for some time now. I worry about how I'll make money to contribute and still care for our young children and care for (or try to at any rate) our home at the same time. I know plenty of women manage to do this all the time. I grew up in a single parent household. I am not unaware of how it can be done. The thing is I hate and am depressed by the idea that I can't give my children what I hoped.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself. My husband has opportunties. I'm hoping that he'll reach out for them and find a position that not only pays the bills but also gives him personal satisfaction and professional growth and stimulation. Fear is a sneaky thing, however, and it keeps slipping up on me even when I'm really trying to stay positive and focused on daily life issues and not think ahead to January.

I tell myself that worrying only wastes my time and energy. I tell myself that even if the worst happens and we lose our money and home that we still both have skills. We will be okay. Our children will not be out on the streets. I tell myself all of this and I know it to be true but I can't shake that fear. I understand that it's the unknown. I hate not knowing what will happen. I've been known to read the last chapter of a book, even romance novels, to make sure I know what happens before I can settle in and enjoy myself. It's weird because I'm not a control freak (really!) in so many other ways. I do like being in control of myself though. In fact I hate being out of control of myself. I have trouble letting go. And that is what this is all about.

I have no control over this layoff. I have no control over the economy. I have no control over the employers in this region. It fills me with anxiety.

And yet I do have faith in my husband's skills, intelligence, and resourcefulness. Sadly I have less faith in my own. I also just feel a deep disappointment that maybe my time home exclusively with the kids is coming to an end and that I never really managed to carve out the time I wanted to work on my novels this winter. Of course this is ridiculous. I can still write even if working and parenting full-time, it's just more challenging. And of course I'll still be the mother I want to be for my children. I'll step up and do what I need to do to make that happen.

It's disappointing when things don't work out the way you envision but there is also opportunity. Maybe this is how we will achieve our dreams. Maybe this puts us on the paths we need to be on. Or maybe it's all just a roll of the dice.

We'll find out.

Oh Yes We Did!

I am so tired. LOL seriously I'm exhausted. The last 20+ months have been exhilarating, worrisome, and an amazing experience. I didn't get to do as much for the Obama campaign as I wanted as our two young children take priority, but I did do all I could and my husband did a ton.

What an amazing experience. I am still sorting through all of my thoughts on it all and want to write about it but until I manage to do that I just want to say how proud I am of everyone who worked their butts off to make this happen. We did it. We. This was not a top down campaign. Things worked from the bottom up as much as from the top down. Chicago coordinated us but many of us, even in the context of working through our local offices, were self-directed. This was especially true in the primary and not as much in the general election.

We now live in a country with millions of new community organizers who are fired up and ready to go. What a beautiful day this is!

A trillion actions pass it on

Hi! We made history. When Barack Obama was elected President today it was because of a trillion small acts from millions of Americans over the past 2 years that has brought us to this moment.

Every little thing we do has an impact be it big or small. Every little thing can matter a great deal. A little push is all it takes to set off a chain of dominos.

Each of you has contributed to this moment in history. We've each given what we could. Please take a moment to reflect and write down some of the things you did that mattered most to you, or write down everything you did. It doesn't matter. Then, pass this on to everyone you know who contributed time, energy, and/or money to this effort so they can be included.

Please cc meltzer7@charter.net . We'd like to see how the list grows.

Jess in MA: Phonebanking, postcard writing/organizing, event hosting, and lots of other stuff.
Jonathan Meltzer (Berlin MA) Standing in the rain with 700 other volunteers listening to Barack speak before heading out to door knock on the first day of canvassing in NH April 2007.... Convincing a woman in Nashua at 5:30 PM primary day who was not going to vote to go to the polls and vote for Barack.... organizing a massive student outreach in MA, VT, NH, NY and RI to get college students from NH to register and vote absentee in NH....
Emma RUddock (mass HQ) - pulling an all nighter at the Mass Headquarters with some amazing people and entering data, my amazing college dems leaders who's enthusiasm is so incredible and inspiring, realizing after the NH primaries that this was not going to be easy but that we were going to do it anyway, succeeding in convincing my parents to let me take the year off from college to work fulltime on the campaign, meeting some of the most incredible people that I have ever gotten to know, voting in my first presidential election